I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Green mimosas i think yes
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Randomize
