Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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