6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
