you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
