I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
