my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
