When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
