It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
