My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
