I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
