I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just found puke in my bra..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
