I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
