You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
