sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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