she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a hot homeless man
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
