I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
