So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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