dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
