Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
