He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
