ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
