the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
