that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
