So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
