theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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