Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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