also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
