cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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