Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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