Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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