Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
