I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
