we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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