Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
