i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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