I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
