you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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