Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
