My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
