The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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