i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
