My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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