I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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