You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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