I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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