Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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