mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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