I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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