I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
