Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
