Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
